I’m your wife. You made a vow before a holy God to love me, treat me well and honor me. He is the God of the universe. He sees and knows everything. There’s nothing hidden from him.
I had a prayer session with You and he came home probably worse than before. As usual he avoided me and pushed me a way. I tried to talk with him and he hit the roof, started the verbal abuse and the profanity and took to the couch again. I cried all night and schemed ways to get into his life and head by trying to access his Facebook and email. Maybe he had started back up with his shenanigans with women again? I just needed something to make sense, no matter what it was.
I think I finally stopped crying and got a bit of sleep after midnight sometime before 6AM I heard this:
My worrisome one, my lonesome one, do not waver to the right or the left (Just stay on the straight and narrow path)
Thank you Lord for your words. I will take comfort in them. I don’t want my hurt to push me to sin. I guess you knew the sin that was forming in my heart. To run to the arms of someone who has always been there and always wanted to be in my life. Someone who promised to make me happy and love me in a way that mu husband didn’t. Can you reach down into my heart and touch where it hurts? Can You apply Your healing balm and lotion and touch the pain and mend my broken heart? I am here, waiting and available. Help me not to waver but to keep my eyes ahead and on You. *ImageCredit*
Me: Do you love me? Are you still in love with me? I just needed to hear the words from your mouth. You actions have told the story but I needed words and actions to come in alignment.
You: I will get back to you on that one.
When did I become your enemy? What was the turning point that caused you to feel that belittling and abusing me was standard fare? Why do you feel it is fair to treat me the way you do? At times I feel like a dog, fighting for the crumbs of attention. You come home, grunt a greeting on your better days and proceed to take up residence on the couch not breaking another word until you grunt the equivalent of a goodbye the next day, on your better days.
I’ve committed myself to you for the past 7 years and for the past 4 1/2 years you have become this person I don’t even know. Sometimes, I see glimpses of the old you peeking through but it appears like a ephemeral glimmer and then it is gone. All the times you’ve hit me, beat me, kicked me, spat on me, choked me and had your knife play with me, I have chosen to forgive you. You make me feel ugly, dirty, like a failure and a nobody and you tell me that’s my choice to feel this way. I don’t have to take it. Yet you live in my house so am I supposed to walk out and leave you in the home I worked hard to build in better times before I met you? The few who have a slight insight into our situation don’t understand why I’m still with you and why I forgive you. But I chose to because I refuse to let bitterness and hate infect my soul as you have.
You call me names. Names so embarrassing to me. And you called me barren. After all the years we have tried to have a child I am convinced that God will never let a child into a tenuous situation like this. My childhood pains of rape and sexual abuse you throw those back to me in arguments to hurt me even further. It is as if you delight in seeing me cry and hurt. You delight in watching my heart break over and over again. I am angry at myself that I don’t do what others have done. Start an affair or get a distraction for instance. At least it would numb the pain? But in spite of all this pain, the ever intense pain I’m trying to maintain my Christian integrity, especially when God keeps telling me don’t look to the right or to the left. I am mindful that I am responsible for my actions and I cannot say to God on that day you made me do it or you pushed me to it.
I don’t know what hurts more. The name calling, the physical abuse or the psychological and manipulative mind games you play. Maybe it’s the fact that you always seem too tired or too busy to talk. But when the phone rings you can talk for hours. Or maybe the fact that you can only apologize for your actions what you are thrusting yourself inside me, literally banging away, oblivious to the intense discomfort and further soul scarring you are causing.
Yet, I love you. I really do. And I forgive you even though at times I wish I didn’t because it would make it so much easier for me to not hurt and achieve the indifference to me that you have so masterfully been able to. But I am not wired like you. I prayer for you and your soul daily. I prayer that you will allow God to find a way into your heart. That you will let go of the intense bitterness and hate and range and anger and violence and manipulation and that duplicity that you have allowed to permeate your life. I think it is the duplicity I dislike the most. You would just be finished calling me the nastiest of names and wearing away at my psyche and that phone would ring and you’d talk forever, giving all the impression that you’re the happiest most caring person the caller know. No sooner that the call ends you revert to the monster that you have allowed yourself to become.
I promise to love you for better or worse and worse has been here for a while. Yet, I still pray for your soul. *ImageCredit*
36 So Gideon said to God, “If You will save Israel by my hand as You have said— 37 look, I shall put a fleece of wool on the threshing floor; if there is dew on the fleece only, and it is dry on all the ground, then I shall know that You will save Israel by my hand, as You have said.” 38 And it was so. When he rose early the next morning and squeezed the fleece together, he wrung the dew out of the fleece, a bowlful of water. 39 Then Gideon said to God, “Do not be angry with me, but let me speak just once more: Let me test, I pray, just once more with the fleece; let it now be dry only on the fleece, but on all the ground let there be dew.” 40 And God did so that night. It was dry on the fleece only, but there was dew on all the ground. Judges 6:36-40
I lay there in the bed, lonely, longing for my husband to lay next to me. It had been a week since he took up residence on the couch. Yes, we were at that place again.
‘Lord’, I cried out, ‘I am so tired out this. Tired of feeling unloved, unwanted, tolerated. I am tired of feeling like I am a stranger, not really knowing this man. I am tired of the abuse and the shaming and the begging for scraps of his love, affection and attention. I cannot believe that this is the way you want me to live.’ The tears rolled down my face and the sobs kept coming. I tried to stifle them because I didn’t want him to hear me and get upset. Me crying would tick him off at times at that would make things even more volatile.
In my desperation, I threw out my fleece. I hated doing so because sometimes I don’t think it’s a good idea to test God that way. Some disagree but I feel that way sometimes. So, I said to God, ‘You’ve given word that you want me to stay. To hang on and you will change him. You will fix him and you will bring healing and restoration to us individually and collectively. You will bring him back to you but I don’t know how much longer I can live like this. I am ready to leave. The pain is too intense and not having someone to talk to just makes it worse. It’s so hard to keep this thing inside’. I made two requests.’Lord, if it is your will for me to stay, cause him to come back to our bed tonight’. I didn’t want it to be a fluke. So I said to God again, ‘Lord it’s me again, if it is your will for me to stay, not only allow him to come back to bed, but cause him to be tender to me and apologetic’. I lay there, not sure when sleep came but I felt him on the bed next to me, I smiled. He was there. Then I wondered if this was a fluke. It was not, within a few moments he was reaching out to me, manifesting the answer to my desperate prayer.
Thank you, Lord.
I’m so thankful for today. As I wind down my day I just need to express to You my love, gratitude and appreciation. I’m trying my best to trust You each day, down to the very second. Psalm 31:15 says My life and times are in Your hands and as I stand on your infallible word and try to trust You more and more even with the tiniest of details, I feel Your peace and Your presence. I just love the way that You take for me. Thank You for teaching me the importance of not projecting myself too far into the future as I rob myself from the moment by moment blessings and experiences you want me to be a part of when my thoughts move too far ahead.
The day did not start all that great as You know and I had to call on You for strength and intervention. However, as I tried to focus on You, Your goodness, favor and mercies;and remind myself how interested You are in the smallest details of my life, I saw things turning around. I am thankful for the little miracles You wrought today on my behalf and how You took over when I felt myself becoming overwhelmed and perplexed. I’m so glad that Your thoughts towards me are beautiful and that You want to see me happy and not caught up in the details of living.
My prayer tonight is that You help me to love You the way You love me and help my thoughts to be engrossed with You as you’re thoughts are always on me. I’m grateful to call You Father and Friend and I’m so amazed at how You love me. *ImageCredit*
He has made everything beautiful in its time (Ecclesiastes 3:11). I’m holding on to this and trusting in His infallible word.
I started this blog as an outlet for the pain I carry inside. There’s no one to talk to but God and somehow writing these words on virtual paper is a bit cathartic for me. I’m Quinn and on Lady In Bloom in chronicle my journey from hurt to healing and healing to wholeness and restoration. I blog about my financial, marital and health struggles and the self esteem issues that can arise from an abusive marriage. I’m doing my best to hold on to my faith but it’s not easy. Each day brings with it its own challenges and struggles. Yet I must stand on His word that says I am an overcomer and I know that He makes everything new (Revelation 21:5) . Join me in my journey and watch me go from a woman of brokenness and despair to a lady in bloom. *ImageCredit*