Life. A series of events and experiences that can make, break, mould and shape us. And life primarily consists of relationships. Relationships are the flavor to life. Without them, it just would not be the same. So what do you do when those relationships that mean the most to you seem to be faltering and slipping away? The relationships you feel you cannot live or do without? For the past 7 months I have been hanging on to dear life for a relationship that in reality had ran its course. For me, it was and still is hard to accept because a) I did not think it was possible for this relationship to end and b) because the fighter in me would not let it die. However, deep within, I think the default button in me had switched on and for me, the default is fight.
You see, all my life I have been a fighter. Things have never come easy and I’ve always had to fight to get what I had and fight even harder to keep it. Some of you may understand what that’s like. So, as second nature, when I saw the relationship slipping, I fought tooth and nail, did all that was in my power, prayed, fasted and pleaded to God to resurrect it. It was hard coming to terms with the reality that what should be a lifetime relationship was really just for a season. And for me, this was hard to grasp because I believe in commitment and keeping promises and oaths. Yes, this is my marriage I am talking about here. I figured if we were both Christians, believed in the same God, a God or resurrection, forgiveness and miracles, why could we not trust Him to fix, heal and restore? But those were my thoughts. The reality is, although we shared the same space, he had moved on and was living his own life. We were housemates. He was and is in a backslidden state. Many nights I cried myself to sleep wondering what went wrong and what could I do to fix things. I talked to God, begged Him to intervene and the wedge just kept growing. The harder I prayed the more bitter and resentful he became to me. It was as if my prayers angered him. Through a series of events, we were brought face to face with the realization that we needed to give each other space. I was all for it, particularly when we sat, discussed and agreed the terms and that counseling would be sought. Somewhere between living apart he came to the conclusion that he was not ready for marriage (after all these years) and started up another relationship. And I begged, pleaded, cajoled and prayed and came to the realization that if I handed the relationship over to God, I mean really handed it over to Him and not try to work my way and my agenda, then I should consider the matter to be in His capable hands.
His capable hands. Hmmm. I would be a liar to say that it was that easy. Along the way I cried and questioned Him. There are many things I don’t understand. Like why me and why us. Why? Yet, I know my life and times are in His hands and that He has not forgotten me and that while everything is can be considered a variable, He is my one constant. He will never walk out on me, He will never change His mind, He will never come to the decision that He desires something or someone else more that me. His love for me is sure. So, I anchor myself in Him and trust Him day to day for His strength, grace, provision and infinite mercy. My hope in Him anchors my soul. Before I go, I leave you with this extract of a sermon by Bishop T.D. Jakes. If you ever find yourself chasing people, his words may bring a sense of understanding to you. I know they have helped me greatly!
When people can walk away from you, let them walk. Your destiny is not tied to the person who left. The Bible said that they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19] People leave you because they are not joined to you and if they are not joined to you, you can get super-glue, you cannot make them stay. T.D.Jakes
*** Note: On Lady In Bloom I share my heart and experiences. It was not easy for me to open up and share this private experience but if it helps and empowers someone or bring a sense of clarity, then to God be the glory. At the same time, I do not advocate the breaking up of families. I fought a single fight to save my marriage. I have now chosen to leave it in God’s hand and let His will be done. I’ve done all that I can and can do no more. The other party has and continues to make it clear that they have no desire to remain in the relationship and has moved on and currently in another relationship. I have personally chosen to let go and based on Biblical grounds, I do have the right to a divorce. My personal option has been to forgive and trust God to heal and restore. The other party is not interested in that. I’ve said this wordy spiel to say this: I am not advocating that anyone walks away from their marriage. That is something between you, your partner and God. I’m just sharing my experience and saying that at times, the writing is on the wall and you don’t need to be tied to anyone who does not want to stay, particularly when they would have violated the vows and sanctity of the relationship. Sometimes, you have to know when their part in the story ends and accept it, no matter how hard or heartbreaking it is.